I'm mourning.
We're about to leave a home of our dreams in following 48 hours. This is truly a beautiful place, magical, just something very warm to it, which makes me (and many of our guests) sigh. This is a place we sat by the fire, just enjoying the evening not saying a word. This is a place I cooked traditional Christmas porridge first time on a wooden stove, having already a little sign of pregnancy around my belly - in that photo I'm the happiest girl in the world! This is a place we built a cradle for our baby whilst I was still carrying him. This is a place we became a family.
I thought we would stay here a lot longer time. But then, mr. reality came for a visit and made us realize living here made life a bit harder. Life has certainly thrown us a few surprises we didn't expect. To make many many many things easier, we have to leave and go somewhere "sensible", somewhere less magical..Somewhere very nice, ok, good surroundings offering an excellent distance to my husband's work. But it will take time before I can take a same kind sigh of happiness there. A sigh of many things which become easier, sure - but "that" feeling I got when we first walk in this appartment we're about to leave.. I'm afraid I'll never get that again!
Although I'm leaving goodbyes to our home in tears and heart-broken, I like to hold on to the fact that I'm an optimist. So, there should and will be new memories ahead of us in the new apparment. Our son will probably take his first steps there. He will have his very first birthday in the new place. We'll get to see him grow and listen while he learns to talk there and has something incredibly of his own to tell us. By the signs he's already given us, those stories are going to be hilarious! Maybe we'll make some new friends there also, who knows.
Judging by the state we are: under huge stress, intense athomosphere and just trying to survive through days from morning to evening with 1 million things to handle -although we're just moving to another place and planning some redecoration- I think I must also say goodbye to a dream of ever building a house of our own. I think for some people, these kind of challenges are welcome and making people excited. But for us, we're close to nervous break-down although it's not so much we're supposed to do. Certainly, there's some emotional package from the previous year, and as we've not 100 % recovered from it - it's only fair to not to overlook that. But I must admit I'm a bit shocked how unready we were to welcome new challenges. I guess building an own house someday would require a huge amount of project control and it takes a certain kind of person to enjoy it. I'm sad we're not that people. So, to say goodbye to this thought, I must welcome something: easy living (huray Uriah Heep)! So long ever having stressful days at a construction site, welcome ready-to-move in homes in future!
This seems to be a sort of writing I do when I'm on very emotional mood so maybe it's not meant to be taken too seriously later on- but today it's the way I feel. So why stop while I've started? Ok, I'm also thinking I must say goodbye to big family. This is a very sensitive matter to me, but the way this year has gone with our precious baby(who is extremely beloved, no matter any circumstances) - I'm not sure I want to take the risk of all happening again. I think having many kids might be someone else's dream, but sadly not allowed for me, although I thought it was my dream as well. Saying goodbye to this dream, I'm welcoming possibilities to have perhaps time and space for more pets as I love animals as well. Damn it, I'm just scared I'll never take that chance again. There's a word to describe this kind of person: a coward. Not too proud of myself this second..
No matter how sad I'm feeling today and feeling vournable, I know that life gives you lemon(s!) and you're supposed to make juice out of it. When a door closes, a window opens they also say..I'm certainly having my eyes on that window now. And for God's sake I hope I have something happier to write about while waiting for it to open
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